Zombies are so hot right now. Admit it, you fantasize about living in a world where nothing matters, and you can pop a cap in your neighbors ass without thinking twice about it. I know you’ve been wanting to do it since he got that new leaf blower and decides to use the thing every Saturday morning at 7 a.m. “He’s a zombie, I’m doing him a favor,” you’d tell yourself. Not that it needed any justification any way.
So you’re sitting at your desk at work, day dreaming about slicing off zombie heads with your katana, and fending off your camp from bandits like a bad-ass, but then, there are people who are actually taking it a step further and training for it. Okay so maybe they are just training to be in shape, and it makes them think they are going to make it in the Z world, but let me tell you, these people have it all wrong.
There’s definitely no shortage of Zombie training propaganda. The local CrapFit (that’s what I call the real sucky CFs, because there are some great CF coaches!) in town has a sign out front that says “train here for the Zombie Apocalypse.” There are scenario mud runs like “Run for your Lives,” which have zombies chasing you. People like to test their fitness and grit in events like the Spartan Race, and Tough Mudder, hell, even Glenn Pendlay wrote up a quick training guide to prepare yourself for the inevitable Zombie plague.
And of course who could forget the famous scene from Zombieland, where we learn the first rule of surviving…”cardio.” But I’m telling you, this is all very wrong, and if you don’t heed this warning, you surely will not make it when all hell breaks loose. In this article I will present to you five different scenarios in which being light, lean, and durable will surely spell the end for you, and why if you want to survive the zombie apocalypse, you better start your dreamer bulk right now…
Category 1: Immediate Survival
Sh*t has just hit the fan, and you realize that the dead are walking every street corner, and they aren’t asking for hand-outs, they are just taking (and eating) hands…arms, necks, whatever they can grab. You see a crowd of 3-4 Geeks coming your way, and having no weapons on you, you decide to run, you’re not sure where you’re going to go, but you can figure out the details later, you’re in imminent danger, and a decision needs to be made…
Scenario 1: Sprinting to the closest building
The zombies are coming, and the fight or flight response kicks in, you notice that you’re not the only living person out on the street, there’s two other people…one of them has a huge smile on his face, because he’s been waiting for the day when he can put his Tony Horton trained skills to the test. The other guy looks like he’s about to have a heart attack, either from fear, or from the McDonald’s cheeseburger that’s no doubt clogging his arteries, to the point vegetable oil is coming out of his pores. You? Well yeah, you’re fat by most standards, but you DO train…to be swole. You’re not going to let an extra 20lbs around your midsection keep you from getting to the safety of that building.
As you sprint towards the building, Mr. Phallic 90 Xtreme completely smokes you, leaving you pretty far behind. You look back and Michael McNugget wasn’t quite fast enough to outrun a mechanical corpse, who’s nervous system doesn’t fire to efficiently because it’s being operated by a small bit of bacteria. The Zombies in chase don’t even notice you now, since they have a nice fatty meal to keep them busy for the next 30-40 minutes.
You finally reach the building that you thought was safe, and when you open the doors, you find Sean T’s greatest protege under a mound of flesh eaters. You see, the Zombie Apocalypse is like sex…you can be TOO quick. There’s no time to waste though, at 5’10 and 160lbs, there wasn’t much for those zombies to eat, so they’ll be looking for another meal in a matter of minutes. In fact, some zombies take notice of your well insulated physique and decide that your layer upon layer of dormant flesh will be much tastier, and they begin to rise to try to take a chunk out of you. You see some swinging doors to the next room over, you peak through and see the room is clear, with a possible escape through a window in back…
Scenario 2: Holding off the Zombies
This is where being fatter really pays off. The doors only swing inward, and you’ve found a nice piece of wood to stick through handles, the window is pretty high and you’ll need to stack some boxes on top of one another to be able to reach it…that’s when you hear the wood start to break! Immediately you rush back to the door, pushing your backside against it. Fortunately all these zombies were on the same Paleo+Zone diet as Mr. Zombie Lunch who was the first to burst his way into a zombie infested building, which means their combined weight is only slightly more than yours alone, and if that weren’t enough, their “strong for their size” bodies don’t compare to your massive semi-sweet frame. Had you spent more time doing burpees, and less time squatting you’d be nothing but a pile of entrails by now.
It’s then you see a young kid come out from hiding behind of one of the boxes. You yell to him to start stacking them up so you can get the hell out of there. On the count of three, you let go of the door, scoop the kid up who’s like a mere rag doll to you, and burst through the window into the back alley.
Scenario 3: Hammer time!
At this point you’ve probably run a combined mile, albeit broken up into bits. Normally you’d be pretty exhausted but adrenalin has kept you going. You and the youngster (about age 10, name: Not-a-Zombie Kid) are quietly moving from alley to alley, avoiding the main streets where most of the zombies are. You know what you need to do, find high ground. Ideally a building with lots of stairs, (which zombies aren’t good at navigating). Then you think of the perfect place…the library! No one actually goes to the library anymore, so it should be pretty vacant, plus there’s a food court and it’s several floors high, it’s got big open rooms, divided by book shelves which can create natural barriers but still give you good visibility. It’s perfect!
You and NZK make it to the library, and climb up the fire escape to the third floor. The door is unlocked, but it wouldn’t have mattered anyway, because you’re such a boss you would’ve just ripped the thing off the hinges. Inside all things are quiet, until you start to hear the faint moan of a lame-brain. A security guard. This guy’s 100% geek, and you gotta waste him, you look around for a weapon, but all there is are books. Oh well, a nice hard cover shall do. You take an encyclopedia Britannica straight to this dude’s dome, and put him down with one blow, but you’re smart, you know you gotta destroy the brain, so you drop some serious knowledge on this fool with a second smack. We see it all the time in movies and especially in TV, skinny guys crushing zombie skulls, but that’s after they’ve already been dead for a good long while, and everything gets real soft. If you think those double-unders and rope climbs were gonna help you crush a freshly undead, and still really hard zombie globe, think again. That’s gonna take man strength, and a good amount of inertia backed by some serious fatceps to get it done. Score another one for the big people.
Part 2 coming soon!